On the other side of the coin, we may have outburst of anger that can be scary. Sometimes we take a preemptive strike by disowning people before they can reject or abandon us. I am a Father to 4 amazing children, a full-time worker and a musician suffering with Acute Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder. I promise you I wanted to be the man you knew, and I desperately wish we could put things back together. Everyday I sit with teenage girls in crisis, and oftentimes I think they struggling to find the words you expressed so eloquently in your letter. I wish I knew more about BPD before my wife left..I miss herwish I could have done more. Hi Sarah and John. In Borderline Personality Disorder, many of us experience identity disturbance issues. Its a cycle of negativity. Debbie,This was an amazing letter that you wrote!!! Even in this letter, she puts me on a pedestal and subsequently knocks me off it. I had struggled long and hard, it was enough. Thank you so much for your honesty and strength. BPD is characterized by rapidly fluctuating moods, an unstable sense of self, impulsiveness, and a lot of fear. Not easy.When she does decide to get help, and i hope she does. Click to enable/disable Google reCaptcha. I also hope that you engage in self-care to take care of YOU during this stressful time. It's bloody hard work to change your whole life and how you live it. I don't know if I should or should not point out that she has an illness and thus a proclivity to feeling the way she does, without it being my fault. A person with BPD can act in impulsive and often dangerous ways. Many times I wanted to give up but he is crying out loud inside that I cannot afford to leave him like that. But he has so little insight. I can only hope with every breath in my body that she can be 'cured' and live a normal and happy life. They may do this without regard for others or possible consequences. I am so torn. Debbie. I may have recently ruined a great bond I had built with a great man. I am a male who's spent the last three and a half years dealing with a partner with BPD, do not give up, there are people who love you enough and are strong enough to deal/fight through this with you. This is my second year . She remained in a crisis unit for two weeks without any contact. Pain that is triggered through attempts to be emotionally intimate with someone else. Yes, I know. Perhaps he still loves me and he still wants to try (I think he's been having a breakdown anyway, due to his father being very ill and the chance he'll be homeless when his dad dies). Changes will take effect once you reload the page. I am so incredibly happy that you have found some hope! Debbie. It can often produce stereotyping and be frightening and misleading. Thank you for sharing it with this forum. Thank you so much for writing this, I am putting it everywhere I can. Those 9 criteria and what this letter describes is sadly what i think it is like for someone to live with me. My hope is that you will gain new insight into your loved ones condition and grow in compassion and understand for both your loved one AND yourself, as this is not an easy road. For example, a male with BPD may engage in frequent binge drinking of. Refresh the page, check Medium 's. This letter might help on the explaining part, but the latter? Sometimes the best thing to do, if you can muster up the strength in all of your frustration and hurt, is to grab us, hug us, and tell us that you love us, care, and are not leaving. Borderlines do not know how to cope with intimacy - it leaves them feeling engulfed. If you have borderline personality disorder (BPD), you might have experience with being called "obsessive.". It's nice to hear this from a BPD perspective. Ask questions. I am the 30 year old sister with BPD. I was seeing these people through a program that is now over. Our 25 year old daughter tried to kill her self last night also. There, youll also find thoughts and questions by our community. I seem selfish. It was good to find your site. There are ups and downs for everyone, mentally healthy or not. Open Letter from those with Borderline Personality Disorder (With Narration and Text) Healing From BPD 16.3K subscribers 529K views 10 years ago Click here to read the full letter in. I admire all of you, everyone of you, that can speak out! Just let her know I sent you, and she'll be happy to help you get started. Ive read that DBT could be the answer to her unpredictable behaviour and fears, the problem is that we were stuck in a step before. The more I read about BPD, the more I have a hunch that the girl I'm in an LDR with has been living with this or at least a similar pattern dissociation. She has told me when she gets this sense of impending doom in the past is when she ends up in the hospital, which she has made it over a year with out being hospitalized. I'm very grateful for his letter, Christine. it gives me so much understanding and hope for my relationship. My look on life was empty and my selfimage was terrible. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the bedrock clinical manual of the mental health field). Love, Andrea, You are so welcome, Heather. People with BPD typically have very strong emotional responses to events that seem minor to observers. Listening to your loved one and acknowledging their feelings is one of the best ways to help someone with BPD calm down. Thankyou, once again, for putting your heart and soul open for us to share.xx. The Perks of Being a Borderline Resilient, Got BPD? I don't think it is heartless that you've chosen to put your family first and set boundaries that is healthy! Its that extreme. I just wish my husband would do the same; I need his support more than I need my mothers. I refuse to believe it. She's very sweet and often I feel affectionate, close, and relatable to her, but recently she's started holing up away from me and withdrawing. I haven't heard from her privately for weeks since. Thank you for reading this. She has left several times before, but this time I don't see a reunion. Between my parents, family, and middle school, I have enough scarring that just won't heal up right. 4301 Wilson Blvd., Suite 300 Your letter really helped us become closer, as it explained some things in a way that I cannot yet. All the feelings of worthlessness came flooding back into my head. I did drink, but it always leads me to dangerous places. I've been blamed by doctors who put me on these meds that I'm on too manyand the last one (after I discussed BPD he's a complete idiot and asked *me* what the therapy "DBT" was called) said to me, "You have a serious personality problem", in response to me answering how I'd been doing. I hope that your sister receives the help that she needs and that you and your family get the support you deserve as well. Her idea of help is everyone doing what she wants, on her schedule. NAMI Yeah, I love hating my life and feeling like I've waste most of it and being almost 40 and feeling like a teenager. She loves her, she wants her to be happy, but to be verbally, emotionally and even sometimes physically abused, she can't be always 'there' for her. I hope that my ex gets better. Find out how you can be a NAMI HelpLine specialist. My heart breaks each time. low self-esteem. He will say that he knows that I love him but he isn't sure if he loves me and that he might be the one who'll give up. My sister has borderline personality disorder and yes, I am separating myself from her because of the years of abuse directed to me and my family. I have heard about DBT, butdon't really know much about it. She is a wonderful Woman and I love her with all my heart, my life, my everything. We were taught years ago that BPD was 'untreatable' and it took me a little time to take a leap of faith in DBT. As I read your open letter, I tried to imagine my daughter saying this to me.how very helpful! It is intense, exhausting, and rewarding! My wife was diagnosed with BPD a number of years ago and it's been more of a battle for her than for me. So when a parent exhibits BPD symptoms, and the child becomes the target of these behaviors, it impacts who they are and who they will become. It can easily end up feeling hopeless and you feel helpless. Thank you so much for your comment. 7. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a significant mental health disorder that is so disruptive it was once thought untreatable. You might feel like you're being held hostage . All we can do is pray at this point. How can I stay and support them, but protect myself as well?' It will help many (like me) who haven't put all these beautiful words and explanations together in such a succinct and informative way.You should be very proud of this as you have quite a command of BPD and how to present it in a respectful and honest manner. The stigma. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health issue that causes emotional instability and can affect how people manage their moods and interact with other people. Because of all of this pain, we often experience feelings of emptiness. One must only have 5 symptoms out of 9 to qualify for a diagnosis, and the combinations of those 5-9 are seemingly endless. my life is in shamblesi without her, im just ad much a mess worrying about her, who shes with today tomorrow.. I imploded at the thought of those same emotions and endless possibilities all leading you to leave me, to this. intense mood swings including outbursts of anxiety, anger and depression. I am sorry I was selfish. Brea, it can be really difficult when financials are suffering, but there are many people out there self-teaching the skills until such a time that they can afford to go to groups or individual DBT. 4. This open letter does an amazing job of outlining some of the hallmark symptoms of BPD. I read your letter Debbie and most of the post. I am scared that I am destroying my children, whom I love so very much. "Snap out of it". Im still scared youll meet someone now who will offer you and the children everything I cant. I am sorry you had to grow up too soon. Your boss is *probably* trying to be supportive and encouraging in whatever way she knows how, but only YOU know what you need in terms of support at any given time. I am sorry you didn't have a happy childhood. Its as if we havent outgrown that. I am so sorry that you were treated badly becuase of your diagnosis. I am grateful for this letter. This time she almost did it. It has resulted in many failed friendships and rejections, one failed relationship, and has damaged my current one (why he has stayed, I don't really know). I was so considerate and walked over again and again. There is nothing you can do to fix it. She struggles with accepting herself and most of all loving herself which in turn hinders her from being healthy both mentally and physically. Hope can be returned. At times I've felt as if, emotionally, I were being held hostage. We had to behave in ways that would please the caregiver at any given moment in order to stay safe and survive. This website is produced by members of the Sanctuary Support Group. Read it and notice the many lessons within: === "Hello Rick! He wanted to change so bad I can see the frustration in his eyes each time he hurt people with his words. I have BPD and I'm currently in grad school to get a Master's in social work. clearly point to BPD. What loved ones may not realize though . As you note, they benefit from the mystery around BPD bc they can more easily confuse people, induce sympathy and get people to excuse their abuse etc. wow. Proud of you for going back to work. My girlfriend has BPD, and I've been at my wits' end, not knowing how to deal with it. I tried to cheer her up and I thought we ended the evening on amiable terms. We are highly emotionally sensitive and have extreme difficulty regulating/modulating our emotions. Share your story, message,poem, quote, photo or video of hope, struggle or recovery. Also, I am very grateful FOR my boyfriend and your article. I want nothing more than get back with her but I dont know how to convey that I love her, that I would fully support her if she would be willing to explore and face this and wont leave. Write as much as you'd like, pour out your heart and soul and tell him how hurt you are and how much you didn't deserve such horrific treatment. Doing a lot of reading keep reading things like don't get bogged down on the details, focus on her emotions, don't get defensive. | Its important that we stay safe and not hurt you or ourselves. This post is just to give you an idea of the typical suffering and thoughts those of us with BPD have. The following are trademarks of NAMI: NAMI, NAMI Basics, NAMI Connection, NAMI Ending the Silence, NAMI FaithNet, NAMI Family & Friends, NAMI Family Support Group, NAMI Family-to-Family, NAMI Grading the States, NAMI Hearts & Minds, NAMI Homefront, NAMI HelpLine, NAMI In Our Own Voice, NAMI On Campus, NAMI Parents & Teachers as Allies, NAMI Peer-to-Peer, NAMI Provider, NAMI Smarts for Advocacy, Act4MentalHealth, Vote4MentalHealth, NAMIWalks and National Alliance on Mental Illness. Unskilled borderline sufferers can be a lot to handle and some BPD behaviors necessitate separation. Thank you for sharing your experience, and wishing you healing and recovery in your family. Imagine the most intense feeling you have ever had in your life. But I would like to point out that I am not (neither are other people with this disorder) hopeless to date. After the latest episode she tells me that I have to earn back her trust. I haven't spoken to him for a week., and he hasn't contacted me. If only we all got it laid out like this. About 1.7% of American adults have BPD in any given year, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a severe, complex illness that is marked by frequent mood changes, an unstable self-image and intense, unbalanced relationships. After experiencing a lack of support at work, Beth became a champion for workplace mental health. But what the BPD sees as abandonment, we see as self care (which ironically is one of the suggestions handed down in this open letter). I know all the theory now. Over the years after I turned 18, I was treated pretty bad as well by case workers I had and ER nurses and psych nurses because I also had an eating disorder. But I'm learning how to deal with it, thanks in part to resources such as this open letter. If you had told me 10 yrs ago I would be happily married and eventually become a mother I would have given you the finger and told you to shut the F up. I am so happy that you feel it was a help to you, and I appreciate all of the kind things you said. You've been peeking in our windows. And to help others like you do! Debbie, Hi Beauty thank you very much for your kind feedback. , I agree with your insights and appreciate that you took the time to comment here. If you have decided to tap into your strength and stand by your loved one with BPD, you probably need support too. She stopped answering my calls when I wanted to know if she would be home for dinner and made excuses to avoid me, staying out until 10 or 11 pm and leaving at 7am each morning. Furthermore, this grandparent generally claims to be perfectly well and claims that there is something wrong with all the rest of us. Well I better get off this pitty pottyMy Daughter just called and she is Barking also. Borderline Personality Disorder: Is there hope? I wish she would recognise her need to make changes with help. I may feel hopeless, but I dont want other people to. This is an open letter to anyone willing and/or needing to listen. Life is such a struggle. The last incident was only a week ago and it took two days and me apologising in the end in order to solve the problem. I have grown up loving my mother who struggles with BPD. We may take on the attributes of those around us, never really knowing who WE are. The most inspiring thing about what she said is that Marsha Linehan, the founder of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) recently came out as having BPD! I dont know how to start this little note of mineSigh.. being transgendered i was unable to get appropriate medical help because i was told my gender disphoria was "identity disturbance". Click to enable/disable _ga - Google Analytics Cookie. I STRUGGLE to focus. I am 26 years old, I live in Wichita, KS, and I live with my father because I cannot live alone. I'm on many meds. Here are some ideas: Not all of the situations I described apply to all people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Remember that your words, love, and support go a long way in helping your loved one to heal, even if the results are not immediately evident. That still doesn't negate the real pain that people with BPD do cause. I guess my point is, Is there hope for a person with BPD that can even realize that something is wrong despite I can see many symptoms?Thank you so much for your guidance. I need frequent reminders of this, because if I dont it feels like I will lose faith in humanity completely, and that will shatter every belief I have ever held dear. Madeline Richardson. Debbie, Thank you so much for commenting. I truly love her, but this is getting old real fast. I hope somewhere in her heart she truly KNOWS the love I have for her and though I may never be able to see it returned to me, I everyday press on in my efforts to support her and encourage positive change. We may jump from one friend to another, going from loving and idolizing them to despising them deleting them from our cell phones and unfriending them on Facebook. . It's seriously messed up. A, The mind is very complex. Tonight tho as she is in the psych ward I feel as tho my world is crashing down around me. I have lost my best friend and the love of my life to untreated bpd and have been in agony while she instantly moved on. This is coming from the mouth of the same guy who proposed to me last year. I hurt you again and my fear of abandonment means Im searching for a different outcome each time. It sounds like your Mom cares to find out what's happening for you. Perhaps some don't even reach that point. Recovery happened through a commitment to DBT. this doesn't work for everyone, at all. I feel like he doesn't understand that it's a process it will take a long time. Now that we are divorced with a shared custody agreement for our son, she has become impossible to deal with. ~ Dave M. This comment has been removed by the author. People with BPD have extreme mood swings, unstable relationships and trouble controlling their emotions. 4. Great job!!! It's not a rash or a broken bone. Yes I can see that that it is a long difficult road. And I know it's because I still have so much to learn. I have been reading many different sites and randomly came to your blog tonight. Your mind, your body, are completely taken over and you end up doing something you regret deeply but have to live with. You can also change some of your preferences. Note that blocking some types of cookies may impact your experience on our websites and the services we are able to offer. Did the self-medicating thing too. I am a DBT therapist and work on an intensive DBT unit with adolescents. 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